Breakup with David

Cassie- October 2. 2011

So the last time we talked about our "relationship" was at Seth's house. You haven't seemed too interested in how I've been doing, or in telling me how you've been doing. I'm tired of calling and asking and then not getting anything. I know you are sometimes busy, but if you get excited about something, I'd like to know about it. I care about how you are doing, and what you've been doing, but you haven't been keeping me informed. I'm sure there are reasons, but the real problem is just a lack of communication. I don't want to break up. I want you to live closer and for us to hang out more. But since I don't know if that is going to happen I'm going to ask you about what you said when we were on Seth's couch. You suggested I go and look for other guys to date. Did you really mean that? Would you want me to do that? Would we have to break up? I'd rather not break up, but if you would rather postpone our relationship until you live closer and have a steady income, then tell me so. All I want is feedback. Please write back or call me about this.

David- October 4, 2011 Cassie- February 12, 2012

You want more than I can offer. – What do I want that you don’t offer? (Besides being Endowed and holding the Melchezedik priesthood?)

My life is in turmoil and I'm not any kind of good for any girl at all right now. I think you would be happier with someone else. – Isn’t that for me to decide?

I think you should start looking for him. – Okay, I’ll try

For my part, I don't believe you're the girl I'm supposed to marry. – “Supposed to” marry? Do you think that there is one person out there and only she is the one that you are supposed to marry?

I find your company pleasant and I don't want to stop being friends, but I don't think it's right to lead you on, thus I think you should look for the guy that will be exactly what you need. – Thanks for the compliment I guess, but so far you haven’t been a friend so much as a guy who visits sometimes and tries to make out with me sometimes, and yet you wrote this to me, seeming to try to end our relationship. I cried because kissing me after this letter is way worse than staying with me. “Leading me on” is exactly what kissing me after you break up with me is doing. Of course I’m still in love with you and think of you all the time. How can I try to get over you when you randomly pop in and pretend like we’re still together? Do you really just want to be friends? Or try to be friends? Or do you just have low self esteem and are trying to push me away? Or what? I don’t know all your thoughts…

I'm not him. I don't know how to be him. I lack the skill set and I'm not particularly interested in developing that skill set. – Who is this “him” you think I should be with? I am interested to know who you think I should be with? Is he realistic, or perfect like Jesus? What skill set are you talking about? The only skill set I can think of that I am looking for, well, you have them…

I wish I was the right guy. – And why can’t you be? Why do you think you aren’t?

You deserve happiness, and I want the best for you, and that's why you shouldn't hang your hopes on me. – I can hang my hopes on whomever I damn well please.

My life is a constant stream of disappointment and frustration, and dating me will just get you more of the same. – Ha! Do you think other people’s lives are better? Well they aren’t. Your life is what you make of it. Terrible things may happen, misfortune may befall you, but being frustrated and disappointed is your choice. I think I will get the exact same amount of disappointment and frustration whether I’m with you or not, because I will still be alive, and life is crappy. (It’s also wonderful, and beautiful, and exciting, and hard and strange, and full of changes, but deciding how to remember it is what’s important)

Do yourself a favour and start looking again. Maybe when I have my life together we will cross paths again and it will work, but right now I'm just holding you back, and that's not fair to you. – Boo hoo hoo. Holding me back. Right. Sure. Dave, you have only helped me move forward. Nothing you do can hold me back. I do hope you come to your senses at some point and beg to come back to me, but it seems you need to build some self confidence or something first, and I need to learn to listen better and be less clingy. I see no reason why we have to be broken up to do this.

But thanks for actually doing the hard thing and telling me and breaking up with me. That takes guts, and I am glad you have tried to be honest and communicate with me. It means a lot. I realized that I had characterized Jeff as wimpy for not breaking up with me before we got married because I cried in front of him. He couldn’t stand to see me be so sad, that he tried to be someone he wasn’t, and so of course, problems followed. Thank you for not trying to be what you are not.

p.s. I think I’ve never gone through a legitimate breakup except for like that one day with Jeff. This reminds me of that because it’s the same pain. And it’s still not going away. How long does it take? Probably less time for you, since you fell in love so fast… I think it takes me longer to have emotional changes. Hate it. I hate that you’re not here, and I randomly cry at stupid things as though I were a crazy pregnant lady. Thanks for the cat, she comforts me a bit while at the same time making me cry more.

I’m scared of becoming like my mom, as I’m sure you are aware. I am trying to be good, and listen, but advice sure does help. I am sorry if I am too bossy. I tried to not nag Jeff at all, and he ended up ignoring me, so I’m not sure how to get attention from people. I’m sorry it took so long to write this. I was trying to avoid my feelings in the hopes that that would help me get over it faster, but it definitely hasn’t been working, and it’s been what, four months now? Sometimes I think that if our sin in April had gotten me pregnant I would be having the baby any day now, or have already had it. And that is scary, and I don’t think it would be a good idea, so I’m glad we didn’t get pregnant and married and rushed. But at the same time, I am impatient, and want to already have moved on to the next stage in my life. But I guess not at that cost, and I would like to be more prepared.

So I’ve been feeling for a couple of years now that I should go back to college, and that it is somewhat urgent. Also, it’s urgent because my California governor’s scholarships expire when I turn 30, so I should use them before then, and it’s about $3,000 total now. Getting my Associate’s first seems to be the best option. Getting away from my mom is also on my mind, but it seems like I can’t do that right now, and I kinda feel like I need to stay and protect this house and my brother a bit. Also, learning to tolerate and love everyone is important, but I can not be friendly to Mom without the greatest discipline, and only for short bursts. I guess I need to learn to be able to do that more. Or move out before I try to kill her. I’m worried about not being able to be friends with her because I live here.

It’s late at night, or early in the morning and now I’m just ranting. I’m not even sure I am going to send this to you, and might ask you if you want to see it first. Some of what I said I’m not sure was good to say, or that it was appropriate, but I do feel that it accurately portrays my feelings. I miss you all the time, and rarely stop thinking of you. It makes me think that how much I think about you, is how much I should think about Jesus and love him. But I can’t make that connection because Jesus is like a distant relative on vacation that I never get to see. And I write letters to him fairly often, but the letters he sends back are hard to find and are jumbled up and so I’m not always sure what his intent is, and it’s hard to communicate with him. I wish I could just have him live nearby so I could visit him or call him up and talk, and get more coherent answers from him, but I guess that’s not the way it works. Okay, well, goodnight, hopefully, I got some of the stupid out of my system with this. J