Tuesday, May 1, 2012
And I Think to Myself...What A Wonderful World.: Mythbusters: Mothman.
And I Think to Myself...What A Wonderful World.: Mythbusters: Mothman.: There should really be a sequel to this week. Too many cryptids exist for us to cover in one week. It was a tossup between black-eyed kids a...
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Breakup with David
Cassie- October 2. 2011
So the last time we talked about our "relationship" was at Seth's house. You haven't seemed too interested in how I've been doing, or in telling me how you've been doing. I'm tired of calling and asking and then not getting anything. I know you are sometimes busy, but if you get excited about something, I'd like to know about it. I care about how you are doing, and what you've been doing, but you haven't been keeping me informed. I'm sure there are reasons, but the real problem is just a lack of communication. I don't want to break up. I want you to live closer and for us to hang out more. But since I don't know if that is going to happen I'm going to ask you about what you said when we were on Seth's couch. You suggested I go and look for other guys to date. Did you really mean that? Would you want me to do that? Would we have to break up? I'd rather not break up, but if you would rather postpone our relationship until you live closer and have a steady income, then tell me so. All I want is feedback. Please write back or call me about this.
David- October 4, 2011 Cassie- February 12, 2012
You want more than I can offer. – What do I want that you don’t offer? (Besides being Endowed and holding the Melchezedik priesthood?)
My life is in turmoil and I'm not any kind of good for any girl at all right now. I think you would be happier with someone else. – Isn’t that for me to decide?
I think you should start looking for him. – Okay, I’ll try
For my part, I don't believe you're the girl I'm supposed to marry. – “Supposed to” marry? Do you think that there is one person out there and only she is the one that you are supposed to marry?
I find your company pleasant and I don't want to stop being friends, but I don't think it's right to lead you on, thus I think you should look for the guy that will be exactly what you need. – Thanks for the compliment I guess, but so far you haven’t been a friend so much as a guy who visits sometimes and tries to make out with me sometimes, and yet you wrote this to me, seeming to try to end our relationship. I cried because kissing me after this letter is way worse than staying with me. “Leading me on” is exactly what kissing me after you break up with me is doing. Of course I’m still in love with you and think of you all the time. How can I try to get over you when you randomly pop in and pretend like we’re still together? Do you really just want to be friends? Or try to be friends? Or do you just have low self esteem and are trying to push me away? Or what? I don’t know all your thoughts…
I'm not him. I don't know how to be him. I lack the skill set and I'm not particularly interested in developing that skill set. – Who is this “him” you think I should be with? I am interested to know who you think I should be with? Is he realistic, or perfect like Jesus? What skill set are you talking about? The only skill set I can think of that I am looking for, well, you have them…
I wish I was the right guy. – And why can’t you be? Why do you think you aren’t?
You deserve happiness, and I want the best for you, and that's why you shouldn't hang your hopes on me. – I can hang my hopes on whomever I damn well please.
My life is a constant stream of disappointment and frustration, and dating me will just get you more of the same. – Ha! Do you think other people’s lives are better? Well they aren’t. Your life is what you make of it. Terrible things may happen, misfortune may befall you, but being frustrated and disappointed is your choice. I think I will get the exact same amount of disappointment and frustration whether I’m with you or not, because I will still be alive, and life is crappy. (It’s also wonderful, and beautiful, and exciting, and hard and strange, and full of changes, but deciding how to remember it is what’s important)
Do yourself a favour and start looking again. Maybe when I have my life together we will cross paths again and it will work, but right now I'm just holding you back, and that's not fair to you. – Boo hoo hoo. Holding me back. Right. Sure. Dave, you have only helped me move forward. Nothing you do can hold me back. I do hope you come to your senses at some point and beg to come back to me, but it seems you need to build some self confidence or something first, and I need to learn to listen better and be less clingy. I see no reason why we have to be broken up to do this.
But thanks for actually doing the hard thing and telling me and breaking up with me. That takes guts, and I am glad you have tried to be honest and communicate with me. It means a lot. I realized that I had characterized Jeff as wimpy for not breaking up with me before we got married because I cried in front of him. He couldn’t stand to see me be so sad, that he tried to be someone he wasn’t, and so of course, problems followed. Thank you for not trying to be what you are not.
p.s. I think I’ve never gone through a legitimate breakup except for like that one day with Jeff. This reminds me of that because it’s the same pain. And it’s still not going away. How long does it take? Probably less time for you, since you fell in love so fast… I think it takes me longer to have emotional changes. Hate it. I hate that you’re not here, and I randomly cry at stupid things as though I were a crazy pregnant lady. Thanks for the cat, she comforts me a bit while at the same time making me cry more.
I’m scared of becoming like my mom, as I’m sure you are aware. I am trying to be good, and listen, but advice sure does help. I am sorry if I am too bossy. I tried to not nag Jeff at all, and he ended up ignoring me, so I’m not sure how to get attention from people. I’m sorry it took so long to write this. I was trying to avoid my feelings in the hopes that that would help me get over it faster, but it definitely hasn’t been working, and it’s been what, four months now? Sometimes I think that if our sin in April had gotten me pregnant I would be having the baby any day now, or have already had it. And that is scary, and I don’t think it would be a good idea, so I’m glad we didn’t get pregnant and married and rushed. But at the same time, I am impatient, and want to already have moved on to the next stage in my life. But I guess not at that cost, and I would like to be more prepared.
So I’ve been feeling for a couple of years now that I should go back to college, and that it is somewhat urgent. Also, it’s urgent because my California governor’s scholarships expire when I turn 30, so I should use them before then, and it’s about $3,000 total now. Getting my Associate’s first seems to be the best option. Getting away from my mom is also on my mind, but it seems like I can’t do that right now, and I kinda feel like I need to stay and protect this house and my brother a bit. Also, learning to tolerate and love everyone is important, but I can not be friendly to Mom without the greatest discipline, and only for short bursts. I guess I need to learn to be able to do that more. Or move out before I try to kill her. I’m worried about not being able to be friends with her because I live here.
It’s late at night, or early in the morning and now I’m just ranting. I’m not even sure I am going to send this to you, and might ask you if you want to see it first. Some of what I said I’m not sure was good to say, or that it was appropriate, but I do feel that it accurately portrays my feelings. I miss you all the time, and rarely stop thinking of you. It makes me think that how much I think about you, is how much I should think about Jesus and love him. But I can’t make that connection because Jesus is like a distant relative on vacation that I never get to see. And I write letters to him fairly often, but the letters he sends back are hard to find and are jumbled up and so I’m not always sure what his intent is, and it’s hard to communicate with him. I wish I could just have him live nearby so I could visit him or call him up and talk, and get more coherent answers from him, but I guess that’s not the way it works. Okay, well, goodnight, hopefully, I got some of the stupid out of my system with this. J
Back log and letters and sex
No one reads these right? So now I'll be sharing some personal stuff.
March 18th, 2012
Hi Bridget,
Sorry I haven't written to you in a while. I kept planning on doing
it, and then Sunday would get so busy and I would be tired at the end
of the day and just go to bed. Instead of going through a litany of
stuff or events that have occurred, I thought I would share some other
things with you. So I'm not sure if I talked about it before, but back
in April of last year when I was with David I stayed over during
Spring break, and things got intense and we ended up having sex. I
cried and confessed to my bishop as soon as I got an interview.
David's friend Sean asked about it because I couldn't give a prayer in
Sunday School.
"June 2nd
Sean Gendreau
• Actually I was referring to you being able to give prayers a few
weeks ago. did that get resolved or are you still waiting to give
prayers. I spent about half my 20s not being able to give prayers in
church. It's difficult at times.
Cassie Duncan
• Oh, I never had a problem with that until Dave. But that will take
six months, so until November 1st about.
Sean Gendreau
• 6 months will seem like nothing when it's all said and done.
Hopefully your bishop isn't having you read "Miracle of Forgiveness".
I had three bishops require that of me in my time. Do you need
anything?
Cassie Duncan
• I was surprised he didn't tell you, but over spring break, the last
night I was there, I really shouldn't have slept in his bed with him
there... It was both our faults though, he was at first scared I would
dump him. But that would be stupid unless I didn't like him at all.
Why would I dump him for a sin we committed together? We should fix it
together. My bishop gave me a copy of the book to keep and I already
finished reading it. I actually liked it though. I'm working on
reading the Book of Mormon everyday, and since I already was reading
it before, it's not much of a change. I'm in the book of Jacob now. I
need to work on getting up early enough to eat breakfast so I can read
the scriptures while I eat. The only thing I can think of for you to
help is letting me sleep over sometimes and thanks for that. Also,
tell Amy thanks for the awesome conditioner.
Sean Gendreau
• David didn't tell me anything. It's none of my business. My own
concern was that sometimes when people get put on a form of church
discipline they feel alone and it's really trying. I know I've felt
that way depending on how the bishop treated me. But either way - I
didn't want you to feel alone or down trodden in your trials. If you
need anything - Amy and I are here for you.
Cassie Duncan
• Thanks, I actually feel very hopeful about it, and just need to work
on keeping my goals and going to church and reading the scriptures and
praying regularly, and not going too far with Dave. You guys are so
cool, it means a lot that you said that.
August 21st
Cassie Duncan
• Hey Sean. You texted me a day or so ago asking how I was doing. I
didn't respond because I could either text back the nothing response
"fine" or take a lot of texts to talk about what I've been doing
lately. And typing on a tiny keyboard is better than trying to type
with a number pad, but I'd still rather talk or use the computer for
real conversations.
I'm sorry I haven't been down to visit in a while, but I really don't
have the money, and David doesn't have the money to come visit me, so
it's been kinda void like lately. I was a little annoyed that he
doesn't call me at all, but whatever. He says he doesn't call people.
If you and Amy are up visiting the Sacramento temple, let me know so
we could hang out."
Then David broke up with me on October 4th in response to my concern
that he wasn't talking to me. So anyways, life continued and Sean
asked again about when I would be temple worthy so I could go with him
and his wife Amy to the temple.
"November 14th
Sean Gendreau
• Can you join us in the temple yet? Not that Amy will be available
until January with her Mrs. Claus job, but can we join you in the
temple yet or maybe in January?
Cassie Duncan
• I'm actually meeting with the bishop and counselors Wednesday, so
probably after that. Yes, very soon. I am looking forward to going
back to the temple. We do temple cleanings on friday nights 9-11 as
well, and I did that once before and liked it. Not that the temple was
dirty enough for me to feel like I was actually cleaning, but it was
nice to feel like I was contributing to the overall beauty of the
temple. Also, my friend/brother Randy is temple worthy and not working
right now, so I could probably get him to come too. And if we were to
do baptisms I might be able to get my brother Jared and sister Heidi
to come.
November 18th
Sean Gendreau
• Did you get your recommend back?
Cassie Duncan
• Not exactly. I'm off probation and can take the sacrament and say
prayers in church, but they wanted to wait on the recommend. I need to
do my visiting teaching 100% and since I stayed over with David a few
times after May, and I had to say no to him, and the fact that we had
opportunity, they were worried that I would do such a thing. I figure
I need to accept whatever they say, because whatever happens, it will
be good. I'm sad I can't go to the temple right away, but I think
erring on the side of being extra careful is perfectly fine and
warranted, given the sacredness of the temple"
So I still don't have my temple recommend back, and might not get it
back for a while because David has keys to the house that I gave to
him while he was homeless just in case he didn't have a place to stay.
If he sleeps over here on the couch, and I leave my door unlocked, he
comes in during the morning and gets in my bed with me and starts to
cuddle me and feel me up and stuff. I'm usually too sleepy to try to
stop him or do anything about it, and I don't like that he does that,
and he goes too far. Luckily he has stopped himself in time a few
times so we didn't have sex again, but if I'm asleep at first, and
then saying no, and trying to get away and get him away from me,
shouldn't I feel less guilty? I had an interview with my bishop today,
and told him about David again. and how even after he broke up with me
he would come in my room and stuff. Also that he would have come in
more often except for the times that I did lock the door. But I feel
bad locking the door because of Loki the cat locking her in here. I
would feel like I should be able to leave the door open and he should
respect my wishes, but he doesn't respect me at all. I am feeling more
and more that it is a good thing he broke up with me. I am still often
sad and cry all the time, but I'm hoping I'll get over it at some
point. It's already been almost 6 months, and I still feel really sad.
So then recently Sean and Amy moved and I went to help them, and drove
David and his friend Stephan who is cool there to help with the
moving. A few days before, Sean asked me some questions on facebook:
"March 14th
Sean Gendreau
• Can I ask you three personal questions?
Cassie Duncan
• Sure, I am an open book
Sean Gendreau
• You 'liked' your divorce post, so I went and read it. When you
divorced Jeff you had standards of the next boy. Why did you lower
them for David. He's not an RM, melchezedic priesthood holder or
anything else?
• Anything you said you wanted in the next boy.
Cassie Duncan
• I dated Greg before David, and he wasn't even a member. I guess I
decided that I needed to actually go on dates, and to say yes to
anyone who asked unless I found them utterly repulsive.
Sean Gendreau
• 2, have you considered applying to byu, byui, lds business, byuh,
cal state east bay, or any other major school outside Sacramento? To
get you out of sac and to get you a better education.
Cassie Duncan
• David is at least honest, I think that was one of the things. Also I
wanted someone energetic and who told me everything. David is some of
what I am looking for, but not all. Just like Greg was some of what I
was looking for, but not all.
• If I go out of state, I would have to pay more tuition. I would
rather not have any student loans, and getting a job is pretty
impossible, and getting government aid is possible, I just don't think
it would be enough to cover rent.
Sean Gendreau
• 2a is it possible Sacramento is too much of a comfort zone and go
some where people don't know the old Cassie?
Cassie Duncan
• Of course it is a comfort zone, but getting out of it probably won't
help. Only a few people here know the old Cassie anyway. When my
family moved from North Sac to Citrus Heights when I was 13, it was
huge deal for me, and I had trouble making any friends for about 2
years. Not that I had friends before, since they moved away. I guess
what I'm saying is, yes a new start can sound good, but why should I
move and have to make a new life, when it won't help and I already
have friends?
Sean Gendreau
• 3. Was jeff ever abusive to you? Did he ever physically, sexually or
emotionally abuse you? You mentioned in your note that you were
surprised by the divorce. Were you having sex with him up to that
point? Did you ever seek counseling?
Cassie Duncan
• We didn't have sex very often, like once a week or every other week.
What counseling could I have sought? No I didn't. Jeff didn't want to,
so what good would it have done? He was only abusive to my face in
that he was neglectful.
• I kinda wish he had been physically abusive, then I would have been
able to break up with him, maybe earlier. But that's not how it went.
He was too much of a low energy person to go through the effort of
abuse.
• The rate of sex was consistent though, it wasn't like he used to
want it more, he always only wanted it once a week or less, that never
changed. He told me he was waiting to get divorced on the first
Wednesday in June. We had had sex about a week and a half before that.
Sean Gendreau
• I meant counseling after the fact. Not couple counseling, but Cassie
counseling.
Cassie Duncan
• Oh. And how would I obtain such counseling. The closest thing that
is available is the 12 step program that they had as a thing on
tuesdays in the Mission Oak ward. But I was pretty sure that wouldn't
really help, or didn't apply. Maybe it would have been helpful, but it
wasn't counseling. Counseling really is just talking about stuff
right? Well I do that when people ask. I have talked about it, and
living at my friend Brenda's house right after I moved out was helpful
since she had gotten divorced recently as well. We talked about
divorce and stuff a lot. And then I lived with my friend Amber after
that, and we talked about boyfriends and dating and stuff and her
terrible marriage as well. I have dated or asked out guys who are
return missionaries and all that good stuff, but they didn't want to
go on more than one or two dates. Stuart Hall, Greg Blunt, Chad
Riding, Daniel Newbold, Aaron something..,
• Sean Gendreau
• You can get counseling through lds social services for free. Just
need a referral from your bishop. As for what a counselor does, more
than talking out - help you change thought processes or actions.
Cassie Duncan
• Cool. So is that the end of question 2? What was question 3?
Sean Gendreau
• I asked all three questions. 1 why David? 2 furthering education/
leaving the sac area and moving some where with more Mormon boys. 3
abuse suffered at the hands of Jeff/ how you feel about being used for
sex 10 days prior to divorce. 3 questions.
Cassie Duncan
• Oh, I thought the third one was 2a or something. In any case, I
didn't really pick David, Crystle set us up, and then he asked me out.
If he hadn't asked me out, we never would have gone out. I think
Sacramento has a pretty high ratio of Mormon boys. Idaho or Washington
I would be more okay with than Utah, unless I got to live there for
free, in which case I would move most anywhere in the states. And my
feelings, as they often are, are a mystery to me.
The reason I liked my divorce note recently was because a guy who I
saw on ldsplanet.com and then on facebook I asked to be friends with
him and meet and stuff, and he asked about my divorce, so I linked the
note to him and reread it and decided to like it.
Sean Gendreau
• Why are your feelings a mystery?
Cassie Duncan
• I am not good at telling how I feel except in very basic happy/sad
ways. I usually just ignore them.
Sean Gendreau
• Thus a possible need for counseling...
Cassie Duncan
• Yeah, I get it. I'm just not all that excited or rather I don't feel
the impetus to go and actually do anything about it. Thanks for
talking to me though. Lds family services you say?
Sean Gendreau
• Here's my concern, though. You didn't grow up in a great home life.
You got married young to a man who didn't treat you well and left your
needs unsatisfied (sexually, mentally and spiritually). You've had a
few destructive relationships since then. (David wasn't as honest with
you as you admit he was). You are constantly putting other's needs
ahead of your own which is selfless and yet not fulfilling the
commandment to love yourself.
Why would someone stay in a marriage they aren't happy in. You're
getting sex 300 days less a year than you wanted. I worry about why
you allow people to compromise your standards and why you don't stand
up for yourself. You're smarter, stronger and a better person than
that.
I don't want you settleing and I want your next marriage to be
awesome. And I think LDS social services might help you.
Cassie Duncan
• Aw, thanks. You are right, except I did get a pretty great home life
growing up, it just isn't that great now, but the stuff about Jeff and
things, yeah. Things are hard, and I tend to go the easy way, and I
think I like helping people too much. I am drawn to people who would
benefit from being with me, or friends with me. I don't know how else
to act, and it's really hard for me to let go or reject someone. I
would hope LDS social services could help too. How much did they help
you?
Sean Gendreau
• they helped me get over my mom's death, my fiance leaving me and my
molestation. I got it all at BYUI. Oh, and I got a degree. Letting go
and rejecting are commandments. You are supposed to love yourself as
much as you love your neighbor. You will be a better builder in the
Kingdom if your needs are being met. constantly helping others goes
against the decree to only run as fast as you are able."
So I asked the bishop about LDS social services, but he just wanted me
to read the Miracle of Forgiveness again because of the "heavy
petting" David did when he would sneak into my room, even though I
would say no and try to stop him. Also he wants me to take the house
key away from David and not let him come over anymore. So I am okay
with taking the key away from him. I won't just stop being friends
though. I am still in his online chat role-playing game. We are still
friends with a lot of the same people. And I don't stop being friends
with people. So I guess I am telling you all this because it was on my
mind and I thought it would be good for you know what I am struggling
with. I hope your mission is going well. And that doesn't mean
converting lots of people. It means I hope you are better at
recognizing the spirit and learning to be an instrument in the Lord's
hand. You can't make people do anything. They have to decide. You just
have to make sure to be there for them and love them no matter what.
Love, Cassie
Sorry I haven't written to you in a while. I kept planning on doing
it, and then Sunday would get so busy and I would be tired at the end
of the day and just go to bed. Instead of going through a litany of
stuff or events that have occurred, I thought I would share some other
things with you. So I'm not sure if I talked about it before, but back
in April of last year when I was with David I stayed over during
Spring break, and things got intense and we ended up having sex. I
cried and confessed to my bishop as soon as I got an interview.
David's friend Sean asked about it because I couldn't give a prayer in
Sunday School.
"June 2nd
Sean Gendreau
• Actually I was referring to you being able to give prayers a few
weeks ago. did that get resolved or are you still waiting to give
prayers. I spent about half my 20s not being able to give prayers in
church. It's difficult at times.
Cassie Duncan
• Oh, I never had a problem with that until Dave. But that will take
six months, so until November 1st about.
Sean Gendreau
• 6 months will seem like nothing when it's all said and done.
Hopefully your bishop isn't having you read "Miracle of Forgiveness".
I had three bishops require that of me in my time. Do you need
anything?
Cassie Duncan
• I was surprised he didn't tell you, but over spring break, the last
night I was there, I really shouldn't have slept in his bed with him
there... It was both our faults though, he was at first scared I would
dump him. But that would be stupid unless I didn't like him at all.
Why would I dump him for a sin we committed together? We should fix it
together. My bishop gave me a copy of the book to keep and I already
finished reading it. I actually liked it though. I'm working on
reading the Book of Mormon everyday, and since I already was reading
it before, it's not much of a change. I'm in the book of Jacob now. I
need to work on getting up early enough to eat breakfast so I can read
the scriptures while I eat. The only thing I can think of for you to
help is letting me sleep over sometimes and thanks for that. Also,
tell Amy thanks for the awesome conditioner.
Sean Gendreau
• David didn't tell me anything. It's none of my business. My own
concern was that sometimes when people get put on a form of church
discipline they feel alone and it's really trying. I know I've felt
that way depending on how the bishop treated me. But either way - I
didn't want you to feel alone or down trodden in your trials. If you
need anything - Amy and I are here for you.
Cassie Duncan
• Thanks, I actually feel very hopeful about it, and just need to work
on keeping my goals and going to church and reading the scriptures and
praying regularly, and not going too far with Dave. You guys are so
cool, it means a lot that you said that.
August 21st
Cassie Duncan
• Hey Sean. You texted me a day or so ago asking how I was doing. I
didn't respond because I could either text back the nothing response
"fine" or take a lot of texts to talk about what I've been doing
lately. And typing on a tiny keyboard is better than trying to type
with a number pad, but I'd still rather talk or use the computer for
real conversations.
I'm sorry I haven't been down to visit in a while, but I really don't
have the money, and David doesn't have the money to come visit me, so
it's been kinda void like lately. I was a little annoyed that he
doesn't call me at all, but whatever. He says he doesn't call people.
If you and Amy are up visiting the Sacramento temple, let me know so
we could hang out."
Then David broke up with me on October 4th in response to my concern
that he wasn't talking to me. So anyways, life continued and Sean
asked again about when I would be temple worthy so I could go with him
and his wife Amy to the temple.
"November 14th
Sean Gendreau
• Can you join us in the temple yet? Not that Amy will be available
until January with her Mrs. Claus job, but can we join you in the
temple yet or maybe in January?
Cassie Duncan
• I'm actually meeting with the bishop and counselors Wednesday, so
probably after that. Yes, very soon. I am looking forward to going
back to the temple. We do temple cleanings on friday nights 9-11 as
well, and I did that once before and liked it. Not that the temple was
dirty enough for me to feel like I was actually cleaning, but it was
nice to feel like I was contributing to the overall beauty of the
temple. Also, my friend/brother Randy is temple worthy and not working
right now, so I could probably get him to come too. And if we were to
do baptisms I might be able to get my brother Jared and sister Heidi
to come.
November 18th
Sean Gendreau
• Did you get your recommend back?
Cassie Duncan
• Not exactly. I'm off probation and can take the sacrament and say
prayers in church, but they wanted to wait on the recommend. I need to
do my visiting teaching 100% and since I stayed over with David a few
times after May, and I had to say no to him, and the fact that we had
opportunity, they were worried that I would do such a thing. I figure
I need to accept whatever they say, because whatever happens, it will
be good. I'm sad I can't go to the temple right away, but I think
erring on the side of being extra careful is perfectly fine and
warranted, given the sacredness of the temple"
So I still don't have my temple recommend back, and might not get it
back for a while because David has keys to the house that I gave to
him while he was homeless just in case he didn't have a place to stay.
If he sleeps over here on the couch, and I leave my door unlocked, he
comes in during the morning and gets in my bed with me and starts to
cuddle me and feel me up and stuff. I'm usually too sleepy to try to
stop him or do anything about it, and I don't like that he does that,
and he goes too far. Luckily he has stopped himself in time a few
times so we didn't have sex again, but if I'm asleep at first, and
then saying no, and trying to get away and get him away from me,
shouldn't I feel less guilty? I had an interview with my bishop today,
and told him about David again. and how even after he broke up with me
he would come in my room and stuff. Also that he would have come in
more often except for the times that I did lock the door. But I feel
bad locking the door because of Loki the cat locking her in here. I
would feel like I should be able to leave the door open and he should
respect my wishes, but he doesn't respect me at all. I am feeling more
and more that it is a good thing he broke up with me. I am still often
sad and cry all the time, but I'm hoping I'll get over it at some
point. It's already been almost 6 months, and I still feel really sad.
So then recently Sean and Amy moved and I went to help them, and drove
David and his friend Stephan who is cool there to help with the
moving. A few days before, Sean asked me some questions on facebook:
"March 14th
Sean Gendreau
• Can I ask you three personal questions?
Cassie Duncan
• Sure, I am an open book
Sean Gendreau
• You 'liked' your divorce post, so I went and read it. When you
divorced Jeff you had standards of the next boy. Why did you lower
them for David. He's not an RM, melchezedic priesthood holder or
anything else?
• Anything you said you wanted in the next boy.
Cassie Duncan
• I dated Greg before David, and he wasn't even a member. I guess I
decided that I needed to actually go on dates, and to say yes to
anyone who asked unless I found them utterly repulsive.
Sean Gendreau
• 2, have you considered applying to byu, byui, lds business, byuh,
cal state east bay, or any other major school outside Sacramento? To
get you out of sac and to get you a better education.
Cassie Duncan
• David is at least honest, I think that was one of the things. Also I
wanted someone energetic and who told me everything. David is some of
what I am looking for, but not all. Just like Greg was some of what I
was looking for, but not all.
• If I go out of state, I would have to pay more tuition. I would
rather not have any student loans, and getting a job is pretty
impossible, and getting government aid is possible, I just don't think
it would be enough to cover rent.
Sean Gendreau
• 2a is it possible Sacramento is too much of a comfort zone and go
some where people don't know the old Cassie?
Cassie Duncan
• Of course it is a comfort zone, but getting out of it probably won't
help. Only a few people here know the old Cassie anyway. When my
family moved from North Sac to Citrus Heights when I was 13, it was
huge deal for me, and I had trouble making any friends for about 2
years. Not that I had friends before, since they moved away. I guess
what I'm saying is, yes a new start can sound good, but why should I
move and have to make a new life, when it won't help and I already
have friends?
Sean Gendreau
• 3. Was jeff ever abusive to you? Did he ever physically, sexually or
emotionally abuse you? You mentioned in your note that you were
surprised by the divorce. Were you having sex with him up to that
point? Did you ever seek counseling?
Cassie Duncan
• We didn't have sex very often, like once a week or every other week.
What counseling could I have sought? No I didn't. Jeff didn't want to,
so what good would it have done? He was only abusive to my face in
that he was neglectful.
• I kinda wish he had been physically abusive, then I would have been
able to break up with him, maybe earlier. But that's not how it went.
He was too much of a low energy person to go through the effort of
abuse.
• The rate of sex was consistent though, it wasn't like he used to
want it more, he always only wanted it once a week or less, that never
changed. He told me he was waiting to get divorced on the first
Wednesday in June. We had had sex about a week and a half before that.
Sean Gendreau
• I meant counseling after the fact. Not couple counseling, but Cassie
counseling.
Cassie Duncan
• Oh. And how would I obtain such counseling. The closest thing that
is available is the 12 step program that they had as a thing on
tuesdays in the Mission Oak ward. But I was pretty sure that wouldn't
really help, or didn't apply. Maybe it would have been helpful, but it
wasn't counseling. Counseling really is just talking about stuff
right? Well I do that when people ask. I have talked about it, and
living at my friend Brenda's house right after I moved out was helpful
since she had gotten divorced recently as well. We talked about
divorce and stuff a lot. And then I lived with my friend Amber after
that, and we talked about boyfriends and dating and stuff and her
terrible marriage as well. I have dated or asked out guys who are
return missionaries and all that good stuff, but they didn't want to
go on more than one or two dates. Stuart Hall, Greg Blunt, Chad
Riding, Daniel Newbold, Aaron something..,
• Sean Gendreau
• You can get counseling through lds social services for free. Just
need a referral from your bishop. As for what a counselor does, more
than talking out - help you change thought processes or actions.
Cassie Duncan
• Cool. So is that the end of question 2? What was question 3?
Sean Gendreau
• I asked all three questions. 1 why David? 2 furthering education/
leaving the sac area and moving some where with more Mormon boys. 3
abuse suffered at the hands of Jeff/ how you feel about being used for
sex 10 days prior to divorce. 3 questions.
Cassie Duncan
• Oh, I thought the third one was 2a or something. In any case, I
didn't really pick David, Crystle set us up, and then he asked me out.
If he hadn't asked me out, we never would have gone out. I think
Sacramento has a pretty high ratio of Mormon boys. Idaho or Washington
I would be more okay with than Utah, unless I got to live there for
free, in which case I would move most anywhere in the states. And my
feelings, as they often are, are a mystery to me.
The reason I liked my divorce note recently was because a guy who I
saw on ldsplanet.com and then on facebook I asked to be friends with
him and meet and stuff, and he asked about my divorce, so I linked the
note to him and reread it and decided to like it.
Sean Gendreau
• Why are your feelings a mystery?
Cassie Duncan
• I am not good at telling how I feel except in very basic happy/sad
ways. I usually just ignore them.
Sean Gendreau
• Thus a possible need for counseling...
Cassie Duncan
• Yeah, I get it. I'm just not all that excited or rather I don't feel
the impetus to go and actually do anything about it. Thanks for
talking to me though. Lds family services you say?
Sean Gendreau
• Here's my concern, though. You didn't grow up in a great home life.
You got married young to a man who didn't treat you well and left your
needs unsatisfied (sexually, mentally and spiritually). You've had a
few destructive relationships since then. (David wasn't as honest with
you as you admit he was). You are constantly putting other's needs
ahead of your own which is selfless and yet not fulfilling the
commandment to love yourself.
Why would someone stay in a marriage they aren't happy in. You're
getting sex 300 days less a year than you wanted. I worry about why
you allow people to compromise your standards and why you don't stand
up for yourself. You're smarter, stronger and a better person than
that.
I don't want you settleing and I want your next marriage to be
awesome. And I think LDS social services might help you.
Cassie Duncan
• Aw, thanks. You are right, except I did get a pretty great home life
growing up, it just isn't that great now, but the stuff about Jeff and
things, yeah. Things are hard, and I tend to go the easy way, and I
think I like helping people too much. I am drawn to people who would
benefit from being with me, or friends with me. I don't know how else
to act, and it's really hard for me to let go or reject someone. I
would hope LDS social services could help too. How much did they help
you?
Sean Gendreau
• they helped me get over my mom's death, my fiance leaving me and my
molestation. I got it all at BYUI. Oh, and I got a degree. Letting go
and rejecting are commandments. You are supposed to love yourself as
much as you love your neighbor. You will be a better builder in the
Kingdom if your needs are being met. constantly helping others goes
against the decree to only run as fast as you are able."
So I asked the bishop about LDS social services, but he just wanted me
to read the Miracle of Forgiveness again because of the "heavy
petting" David did when he would sneak into my room, even though I
would say no and try to stop him. Also he wants me to take the house
key away from David and not let him come over anymore. So I am okay
with taking the key away from him. I won't just stop being friends
though. I am still in his online chat role-playing game. We are still
friends with a lot of the same people. And I don't stop being friends
with people. So I guess I am telling you all this because it was on my
mind and I thought it would be good for you know what I am struggling
with. I hope your mission is going well. And that doesn't mean
converting lots of people. It means I hope you are better at
recognizing the spirit and learning to be an instrument in the Lord's
hand. You can't make people do anything. They have to decide. You just
have to make sure to be there for them and love them no matter what.
Love, Cassie
March 25th, 2012
Hey Bridget! My last letter was pretty long. I hope you're doing well.
I hope you get this letter before you log off. I don't know what to
say that's new. I'll just say what I said to my friend Sean when he
asked how I was doing and stuff: "Meeting a guy tomorrow for a date
like. Eating pizza and playing munchkin. He's a return missionary with
9 older siblings. The meeting with the Bishop went okay, he kinda
brushed off my mention of LDS social services and wanted me to read
Miracle of Forgiveness again. He didn't like that David was sleeping
over and then coming in my room and mentioned how serious petting is,
and I asked about what if I was trying to stop him and stuff, but
yeah, he says he'd like to get me my recommend back by the one year
mark which would be the end of April or beginning of May. May 1st was
my meeting with the bishop last year. He also hadn't spoken to my
previous bishop yet, which I urged him to do. Other things are
alright, still need a better job or more hours or something. Today was
fast sunday and I fasted to just be happy again and to figure out how
to do that." Also, I'll be asking David for the spare keys to this
house back. Fast Sunday was fun we ate yummy food and I set up a
visiting teaching meeting and entered the stats on how much visiting
was done in January finally. And next week is conference, and I'm
excited about that. I love you and hope you are doing well!
Love,
Cassie
I hope you get this letter before you log off. I don't know what to
say that's new. I'll just say what I said to my friend Sean when he
asked how I was doing and stuff: "Meeting a guy tomorrow for a date
like. Eating pizza and playing munchkin. He's a return missionary with
9 older siblings. The meeting with the Bishop went okay, he kinda
brushed off my mention of LDS social services and wanted me to read
Miracle of Forgiveness again. He didn't like that David was sleeping
over and then coming in my room and mentioned how serious petting is,
and I asked about what if I was trying to stop him and stuff, but
yeah, he says he'd like to get me my recommend back by the one year
mark which would be the end of April or beginning of May. May 1st was
my meeting with the bishop last year. He also hadn't spoken to my
previous bishop yet, which I urged him to do. Other things are
alright, still need a better job or more hours or something. Today was
fast sunday and I fasted to just be happy again and to figure out how
to do that." Also, I'll be asking David for the spare keys to this
house back. Fast Sunday was fun we ate yummy food and I set up a
visiting teaching meeting and entered the stats on how much visiting
was done in January finally. And next week is conference, and I'm
excited about that. I love you and hope you are doing well!
Love,
Cassie
March 25th,2012 (Bridget)
Hey Cassie, thanks so much for the letter.
I was shocked to hear it, but I know you really feel sorry, so that is what it important. I also think counseling with LDS family services might help you get the strength to overcome temptation and to learn how to listen to your feelings. If you had told me earlier I could have prayed for you, but you have your reasons. Do mom and dad know?
I think what the bishop recommends is also very good, avoid any temptation. Don't let David visit anymore, at least take the key from him, and don't ever stay out so late that you can't come home to sleep. I remember that when you were dating Greg and you would stay over there and he over our house, I told you that that wasn't right. You sort of brushed me off and told me that as long as you didn't do anything it was okay. It isn't, because now you know what could happen. You should avoid all appearance of evil. Avoid situations that could lead to bad stuff. Don't let any guy with prospects sleep in the same house as you. You need to stand up for what you know is right. Like I said before, don't ever date any guys who are not up to our standards. He needs to be a temple worthy returned missionary.
Repentance means forsaking the sin. That means never letting it come back again, not even in the slightest form. In tagalog the word that we use for forsake is talikuran, which literally means turning your back on. Just keep reading the Book of Mormon. i know how much of a strength that can be. Some good chapters to read might be 2 Nephi 4, Alma 36 and Alma 39.
Don't ever give up. Maybe when I get home we can go live in Utah together. I'll teach at the MTC and you can get a degree from BYU. It is actually pretty cheap there. The pond is a lot bigger there, there are more fish to choose from.
Listen to conference, they are speaking to you.
Love,
Bridget
March 28th, 2012
Eh, some of what you said frustrates me Bridget, because you clearly
don't know what goes on in my head. I know what's right. I know what
can happen. And that is precisely why I was able to trust Greg. When
you said "because now you know what could happen". It made me wonder
if you thought my expectations were different before... Because they
weren't Generally I trust people. Generally that trust is well placed.
David is the first to really break that. I mean, he had broken up with
me, I shouldn't have to worry about sex and stuff from him anymore.
But no, he's a stupid boy. I knew what "could" happen before. If the
other person considered my feelings and didn't want to do something
wrong with me, then I wouldn't have to worry. It's not about I did
something wrong because the temptation was there, so of course I did
it. Temptation is all around us, and I agree that we should avoid it,
but thinking that if it does happen to come up that I can't say no is
insulting. I did in fact say no, and try to stop him, but that didn't
help. What will help with David who doesn't respect me is to remove
the temptation from HIM. Not all guys are like that. Greg certainly
wasn't He could stop himself. He had respect for me. And if a guy
knows that after certain point he can't stop himself, then he should
let me know so that we never go to that point. And if he doesn't know
where that point is, then we should be very very careful, and perhaps
not even venture near it.
I try to get dates with single return missionary guys. You know that.
The problem is getting them to go out more than once or twice with me,
Or rather, to get them interested in dating me at all. They never ask
me out. I have never been asked out by a return missionary. I have
been asked out by two church members, but neither were endowed or
return missionaries or even temple worthy. I get asked out by
non-members often enough that I don't feel like I'm ugly or something.
I think the guys at church just don't ask girls out. Anyway, I have
some hopes for the guy Daniel Jensen I met on Monday and that have
been talking to on facebook for about a month. He's cool, and says
he's met you back at ARC institute, but that was a while ago. he is a
return missionary to Mexico, though he had to return early because he
had to have his gallbladder removed, and has health issues with his
stomach. I still sometimes wish Stuart would come back and want to
date me again, but he lives in L.A. now and said he was interested in
another girl back when I did get two dates out of him.
So anyway, knowing that sex and petting is wrong, and not doing them
are different things I know. Sleeping in the same house doesn't mean
either of those will happen unless at least one person is stupid and
disrespectful to himself and me. I had previously thought because of
Greg that I could trust guys, but apparently not all of them are that
good. Mom was saying the other day how she wanted me to be with Greg
again. And I had to explain to her how I had never actually been in
love with him. I realized that later, when I compared how I felt about
him and the breakup with him verses David and the breakup with him.
Huge difference. I cared for Greg, and was mostly sad because I was
hurting his feelings and because it was fun hanging out with him. But
I wasn't in love with him. I wasn't obsessed and thinking about him
all the time and happy and jubilant even when he wasn't there, and
then sad when I didn't get to see him enough, and well, it was some of
that, but nearly as strongly. I think the main difference was my
overall endorphin levels and obsession.
Again, so just to clear things up, I wasn't asking for advice, I was
informing you, and if you did have advice it should be on useful
things, like how you would feel in a similar situation, or how you
thought David was always a creep, but not about how what I did was
bad, because I know that, and you saying it, and then being what seems
to me self-righteous doesn't make me feel any better. It either makes
me angry at you, or really sad. And as I write this I realize that
nothing you said was wrong, it was the attitude that I didn't like.
" You sort of brushed me off and told me that as long as you didn't do
anything it was okay. It isn't, because now you know what could
happen."
It is okay, as long as we don't do anything. Look at the church rules.
Or rather, I know it says that laying next to each other or on top of
one another is mentioned as things you shouldn't do (with good reason)
but to meet the qualifications of keeping the law of chastity, you
need to not have sexual relations. Also, petting counts as something
that could deter or slow you down from getting a recommend. Petting
above the waist is not even considered that bad, and if you only do it
once and not again, or according to some bishops as long as it doesn't
lead to anything else, then it's okay. Petting below the waist can
lead to problems, even without having sex, and I think they mean
genital touching because Heidi asked about that and thought it was
weird that they put butt touching as so much worse that breast
touching. I figured butt and breast would be about the same, and
genital touching is the main issue. I knew what could happen then,
knowing now what I knew then changed nothing. The difference is the
person, and how trustworthy and in control of themselves they are.
Sleeping in the same bed as my sister is okay right? It's not like we
would have sex just because we were sleeping in the same bed. If
hugging someone makes a guy get an erection should they lock
themselves in a closet and never look at girls? No.. they should find
a way to not get the erection. Or perhaps not hug girls anymore,
though that would be sad, because people should be able to give and
receive hugs without getting sexually stimulated. I guess I'm just
saying I expect more of guys than you do.
Sorry to write so much, I know your computer time is limited. I am
happy to read your letters when they come and look forward to talking
about your mission when you return in September. Yeah, I know, so
close, time went by so fast. Have a good week and I pray for your
success and for you to meet and teach those who need the message and
who are ready and will listen, and that you will be inspired by the
spirit to know what to say.
Love,
Cassie
don't know what goes on in my head. I know what's right. I know what
can happen. And that is precisely why I was able to trust Greg. When
you said "because now you know what could happen". It made me wonder
if you thought my expectations were different before... Because they
weren't Generally I trust people. Generally that trust is well placed.
David is the first to really break that. I mean, he had broken up with
me, I shouldn't have to worry about sex and stuff from him anymore.
But no, he's a stupid boy. I knew what "could" happen before. If the
other person considered my feelings and didn't want to do something
wrong with me, then I wouldn't have to worry. It's not about I did
something wrong because the temptation was there, so of course I did
it. Temptation is all around us, and I agree that we should avoid it,
but thinking that if it does happen to come up that I can't say no is
insulting. I did in fact say no, and try to stop him, but that didn't
help. What will help with David who doesn't respect me is to remove
the temptation from HIM. Not all guys are like that. Greg certainly
wasn't He could stop himself. He had respect for me. And if a guy
knows that after certain point he can't stop himself, then he should
let me know so that we never go to that point. And if he doesn't know
where that point is, then we should be very very careful, and perhaps
not even venture near it.
I try to get dates with single return missionary guys. You know that.
The problem is getting them to go out more than once or twice with me,
Or rather, to get them interested in dating me at all. They never ask
me out. I have never been asked out by a return missionary. I have
been asked out by two church members, but neither were endowed or
return missionaries or even temple worthy. I get asked out by
non-members often enough that I don't feel like I'm ugly or something.
I think the guys at church just don't ask girls out. Anyway, I have
some hopes for the guy Daniel Jensen I met on Monday and that have
been talking to on facebook for about a month. He's cool, and says
he's met you back at ARC institute, but that was a while ago. he is a
return missionary to Mexico, though he had to return early because he
had to have his gallbladder removed, and has health issues with his
stomach. I still sometimes wish Stuart would come back and want to
date me again, but he lives in L.A. now and said he was interested in
another girl back when I did get two dates out of him.
So anyway, knowing that sex and petting is wrong, and not doing them
are different things I know. Sleeping in the same house doesn't mean
either of those will happen unless at least one person is stupid and
disrespectful to himself and me. I had previously thought because of
Greg that I could trust guys, but apparently not all of them are that
good. Mom was saying the other day how she wanted me to be with Greg
again. And I had to explain to her how I had never actually been in
love with him. I realized that later, when I compared how I felt about
him and the breakup with him verses David and the breakup with him.
Huge difference. I cared for Greg, and was mostly sad because I was
hurting his feelings and because it was fun hanging out with him. But
I wasn't in love with him. I wasn't obsessed and thinking about him
all the time and happy and jubilant even when he wasn't there, and
then sad when I didn't get to see him enough, and well, it was some of
that, but nearly as strongly. I think the main difference was my
overall endorphin levels and obsession.
Again, so just to clear things up, I wasn't asking for advice, I was
informing you, and if you did have advice it should be on useful
things, like how you would feel in a similar situation, or how you
thought David was always a creep, but not about how what I did was
bad, because I know that, and you saying it, and then being what seems
to me self-righteous doesn't make me feel any better. It either makes
me angry at you, or really sad. And as I write this I realize that
nothing you said was wrong, it was the attitude that I didn't like.
" You sort of brushed me off and told me that as long as you didn't do
anything it was okay. It isn't, because now you know what could
happen."
Or rather, I know it says that laying next to each other or on top of
one another is mentioned as things you shouldn't do (with good reason)
but to meet the qualifications of keeping the law of chastity, you
need to not have sexual relations. Also, petting counts as something
that could deter or slow you down from getting a recommend. Petting
above the waist is not even considered that bad, and if you only do it
once and not again, or according to some bishops as long as it doesn't
lead to anything else, then it's okay. Petting below the waist can
lead to problems, even without having sex, and I think they mean
genital touching because Heidi asked about that and thought it was
weird that they put butt touching as so much worse that breast
touching. I figured butt and breast would be about the same, and
genital touching is the main issue. I knew what could happen then,
knowing now what I knew then changed nothing. The difference is the
person, and how trustworthy and in control of themselves they are.
Sleeping in the same bed as my sister is okay right? It's not like we
would have sex just because we were sleeping in the same bed. If
hugging someone makes a guy get an erection should they lock
themselves in a closet and never look at girls? No.. they should find
a way to not get the erection. Or perhaps not hug girls anymore,
though that would be sad, because people should be able to give and
receive hugs without getting sexually stimulated. I guess I'm just
saying I expect more of guys than you do.
Sorry to write so much, I know your computer time is limited. I am
happy to read your letters when they come and look forward to talking
about your mission when you return in September. Yeah, I know, so
close, time went by so fast. Have a good week and I pray for your
success and for you to meet and teach those who need the message and
who are ready and will listen, and that you will be inspired by the
spirit to know what to say.
Love,
Cassie
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